dilapidated.

it was about 11am. i was desperately waiting for the roll call. it was a very stubborn day. (i think days can't be stubborn, but today was because it simple refused to end!) it was very hot. and for the first time in my life, the smell of rotting flesh and formalin combined was getting me nauseous. i was drowsy and i didn't even want to move. i was sitting, with my head resting on my hands set on the table, in the DH sideroom that looks too forlorn from the outside to be inspected by anyone from the staff. (DH means dissection hall. my love.)
i wasn't alone there. a few girls were hanging around discussing the latest from batch 06-11! a few were quietly dissolving Snell and Chaurasiya, or giving off a peculiar buzz that resembles an exorcism being performed. the rest were outside, doing the world good, chopping flesh, tearing fascia and playing with their wonderful scalpel and forceps. i could hear them. i could hear men from outside from the windowside, constructing the new Surgical Tower we are anticipating so badly. i could hear the buzz and the talk. merrily so, the clock ticked.
DH lasts from 10.30 to 12.30 and today, it felt like the longest two hours ever.
i couldn't study. i couldn't think.
all i did was stay in that room and wait, listening quietly.
i couldn't understand why i shed a few tears. it isn't normal, i never cry in public. no body found out though.
i felt very alone and very insignificant.
maybe we shouldn't be nice to anyone. falling in love is evil from a vile soul. and making sacrifices is probably a sin. Lord, i lose faith in You sometimes. when i keep wanting and wishing and praying and You don't listen. but i'm not complaining, really.
because, You see, it's me. it's just me.
you gave me one rope. i shouldn't ask for another one.
and after the attendance, when i met up with my friends who were laughing non-stop in Biochem that followed, i felt needed. almost as if i was significant. and i thank You for that.

but sometimes.
only sometimes.
ok, i'm lying now. MOST of the times!
i wish bad things didn't happen to anyone in this world.
and i want to be somebody else.
and i want to buy a time-machine and more green nailcolour.
i ran out of it.

ps. i know it was a terrible end to a piece that had such a sober start.
but i'm high now. pity, i can't even write right! =D

Where Are You?

every morning it gets harder. the faces, the talk. i can't stand it.
i cried a lot when i got home today. i told my parents about the boys who bug me everyday and the people who stare. and the girls who point at the way i talk or dress.
everyone's mad. i don't like anybody. the girl i made friends with, loves to be watched and looked at. i don't. i don't want any attention. don't look at me, thankyou. please.
theres a complicated sort of tension in class. everybody's annoying. my record's fine. i haven't been offensive towards a teacher yet. the faculty's cracked by the way. they make weird comments and say funny things. nobody's interested in anything. we're like crazy people who walk around all day, holding books and bags and bones. they don't leave you alone!
everyday you have to go through the same bloody crowd and get bruised, stepped on by guys with big feet and get angry at freaky fat women swarming the place.no, no, not literally. but it gives me the same feeling! i was disgusted all day! KE is small. everywhere is small.

it's constricting and strangulating. it's full of people who have nothing to do yet they're so fucking busy. people who can only talk. who can only dream about having a life. who can lie just as well as they can memorize the hundreds of pages of Guyton or Harper, reference lines and index included. who don't even have to think before they say anything. to anyone.

and i'm one of them...
so lala to the whole world. piss off. im screwed.

=*(

jaded.
that's all there is to it.

i don't feel a thing.
but the madness stays i suppose. i'll be back with all the sap in all the verse :S
milestone - i am a day older than i was yesterday.
ps. i have a life threatening issue at hand.
feel for me.
-ilium
-ischium
-pubis
Please help me Lord.

Maybe,

It is the deprivation of the good that works to eradicate the evil.

I am evil.
Stand out. Overcome the illusion of need.
Where words may falter, silence heals.
And I, am silent.
Forgive me.

The world has too many people to make you belong.
We're lonely every second,
though it's crowded.

thoughts afloat in the silver stream

the magic was pure that night
when we watched the moon, shimmering gold
hanging high, the heavens smiled
and i knew i was happy that night.

but it's 1am and i can't sleep

water falling from a lonely creek
peeling down from dusty leaves
in a lonely valley of pale green,
i've been watching you for so long
singing all those bizarre songs
pulling at the grass, weedy, rough
looking back at you, with all my love.

to you.

A milky sky
With fibres of gold
That emerge. Diverge.
Feel the urge
For sin to be purged
Out of your soul
Light creeping in
Through a dark,
Dark hole.
Feel me pour
My heart out
to you

stars

i emptied my treasure chest
threw away my stardust
it sparkled through dreams, flew away
it's far now, only just
can you feel me next to you
when nobody's around?
i'm so good at weeping
and making no sound
can you hear me,
shut your eyes, listen hard
when i weep in the dark
or wake up with a start?
that thing inside, your heart
does it make you think
we're far apart?

i'm sick of pain
and dreaming's lame
it just isn't sane,
it's not the same,
but i have myself to blame!
love's a stain
and it's not my place to claim

you
anymore

You.

A blur of voices
Flipping images on a dark screen
A silent feel
Of you

I don’t need it
Can you feel it?
All the pain that trickled out
Silence so loud
My dark cloud
That couldn’t make the rain fall
I was made to crawl
Before a stupid wall
With no door
No paint

Stab me with paperclips

*we think differently every second.
*i want my wall back.