A new low.

What could be worse than not being wanted?

Not being loved.

Life happens all the time.

For hours on end,

Did the stars weep,

As the moon pulled,

And the tide crashed.

So much was destroyed.

The sun would see,

What remained of all

That he had left

Behind, for another day.

The very handsome man.

-They're not that nice ok

-You're blind.

-No, they're not

-You're weird.

-And you're mad

-I've just been in love with you for a very long time.

Something to live with.

I wish I was a place you'd visit or a thing you'd do out of curiosity and eagerness and want. 

Because I'm not. And I doubt I'd ever be as interesting or enticing as your bright, wonderful life.

You'll be the firework and I'll be the sea, glistening silver in your light, forever the recipient of your afterglow and ashes.

May The Lord forgive me for the strength of me that I vest in you.

Incandescently happy again.

Blue is the moon tonight,

And only I can see

Her glow in a pool

Of light

With hope

Of another to come.

To be loved is a beautiful feeling.

Alhamdulillah 

Disarray.

And all I can see is the holes in these walls. We are alone, all of us.

There is no one.

No such thing as love.

Or family.

These are games we play to fool each other.

Absolute detachment is the plan.

Float in a bubble till the final gamble at escape. And. Do. Nothing. 

Need nothing. Want nothing.

Become nothing.

'Become nothing and He will turn you into everything' is something I once read. Get a job that pays? Seriously? That low? Yes. That's what happens. 

Recent dynamics.

X- I don't shine if you don't shine.

Y- All things shiny except you. 

My heart's gone black.

Blacker by the year. 

Blacker by the day. 

All this madness,

Rocking into a display

Of dismay

Over these years,

Sealed by now in silver 

For it is another birthday

Alone.

• m i n e •

..and isn't that what it is worth? 

The purity of it all. 

First and last, forever and after, till death do us part?

I love him.

Life these days.

I rarely write when I'm happy and I am, very incandescently so, these days. May the hiatus lengthen into a sweet permanence. Perhaps, I'll discover the composer in me for happy songs about smiles and sugar and feeling forever young and beautiful :) 

Stupid, stupid.

Stay away, Anum. There is no one. 

What I like to call mine.

I could walk the earth barefoot and still not find another you.

A mad song turned happy.

Outrunning fate was the plan

And running away from Father

Or the cursed ghost house,

Dissolve in a sea, unchartered

And joy.

But fathers do love, when

And if they can.

And curses wash away 

Ghosts may abandon man

And maps can work 

If they lead to you 

And joy does drop by

Even if by the blue moon.

And if truth be told

We all must wait 

Bide our time

Walk the line

For the best is generally 

Painstakingly late

But is always yet, to come. 

 

Love

It's only you. 

It's always been you.

It'll always be you.

Blocked

What if you do come back 

And run to me so fast

It'd put stars to shame.

I know you won't

Because you can't 

Shadows for toys.

But what if you wanted to come back and your big head wasn't letting you? What if you're sad for a few minutes every day because of what this has become? 

I'm so sure of you smiling at things that aren't me that I never consider that possibility. 

We took parts of each other.

And then we forgot where we put them. 

I miss you. I miss us. 

You're the piece of heaven I have here on earth. 

This is meant to be.

But I might stop telling myself that if you take longer. 

Panic

How long is this going to take?

Everything I ever had is at stake.

And almost every other night,

My lungs are out of air. 

(Cliched I know but true) 

This life is fuck unfair.

-with which i murdered whatever literary soul was left in me. But this is the saddest i have ever been. 

A coat of blue shall have to do

That's blotchy, thick and sticks.

Ten cans short with more to go;

The clouds turn back to their tricks.

Pathetic day to be alive for the old, ungrateful child.

I want your kindness.

And I want your love. 

My Sunday morning

It's not funny anymore

The way I think you're smiling.

All this mess that's piling

Up to my nose

In this house

Has impeccable timing.

Me and Cat keep watch 

For an unexpected sighting

Of someone like you.

(It won't really be you)

(We know)

Cat is a good friend 

He knows its hard to blend

In, and flow through, 

Like we're all the same.

Because sadness stands out 

As pointless as a bout 

Of heedless giggling

To yourself

On your own 

Letters again

Dear God
These tricks You play only make me sad. How is it that You love me?
Get me out if it's only going to be me running in circles. Do I now have the epiphany of being one of the exalted few who weep for sorrows all their life that only bring them closer to You?
I'm bad at this. Please forgive me.

Just a little longer.

 We have held on and held each other through the years in between. There are days when I wish I could go back to a warm summer night where the moon was gold... But I choose to stay here. Here is real.
 No later than sooner, I want our fat chunk of syrupy, shiny happy to make the wait look like pebbles that we'd toss in a river in Spain or leave on an Asian beach for the waves to wash away. I want what is ours and I want it no different because I am a piece of him and he is mine. We are not children playing with love and hurt has been plenty. Let there be no games before we die.   

Demon monkeys

So we stop sharing bread
When it storms and hails
And the fields give nothing
While ships drown their sails.
We make up new worlds,
And ride our own trains.
At night we dream alone;
Make up new last names.
We play and we dance,
In a cursed, lonesome trance
And bear each other on.

Unwanted

I could be a diamond
I could be a star
I could speak elven tongue
Or know tales from afar
A healer from the heavens
A sorcerer from the dark
A resurrected Greek goddess
Hell, Joan of arc
I could sing and dance
Look pretty, play the harp
But what if I brought
No hope nor spark
Of love or want
Nor leave a mark
Or trace on you
Of me?
I could just be
A stone or a tree

And you wouldn't know

A promise

I can't kill myself.

Me

For some
Life ends before it starts
And they lose themselves whole
Or some part
In a very sweet but sad dream
Never to be retrieved
Again

I love you. Now. And forever.

We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there too.

What if someone was stupid enough as me?
What if you had to lose what you love to actually find it... For evermore and after?
I've found it. But I've also lost it. Getting it back may take me my life.
Will it be worth it?
Yes.
Is it possible to ever fall out of love?
No.

Overdose day

Ripped myself to smithereens
And set fire to the dust
With each gust
Of wind, they flew
To a sweet land, serene
Where it felt so just
To have myself be
At peace

My world has caved in; sadness gently seeping in and filling the crevices. I'm on a plank in an ocean, drifting towards the end of nowhere. This is a horrible excuse for bullshit. I can do nothing right.

To beg for forgiveness is not a virtue these days.

With a knife I carve
Not our names on the trees
In the evergreen woods
By a lovely little brook
Where the sun shines always.
I carve off my skin
Splicing slow and gently
Head to heel
Limb to limb
On a stupid whim
To make a new me
For you.

I refuse to crawl.

I wish I had the same convenience of ease as you, with which you dust your shoes, before you breeze on, without looking back.
Empty is the jar and sober is the soul; stars don't make stardust and it doesn't rain as often as it should anymore.
Sharing turtledoves and writing notes is what stupid people do and on and on they dote like drunken goats on board a boat.